Lie-cense plates

Living here in Florida with all the snowbirds you get to see more license plates than a Folsom Inmate. I never really gave much thought to what they said before I moved here. Coming from the "Constitution State" sort of numbs you to looking for something clever being printed on one. Here are a few of my favorite state plates and what they say. These are all actual plates.

Alabama-"Sweet Home". Seems kind of easy to make fun of so this is my first readers contest. The funniest one that is submitted will be published and taken credit for by me.

Alaska-"Celebrating Statehood 1959-2009" Woo Hoo! It's freezing and there is nothing to do, they celebrate when Palin bags a deer for Pete's sake.

Arkansas-"The Natural State". Probably so named for Bill Clinton's aversion to silicone or Hillary's to makeup.

Delaware-"The First State". It's nice to be good at something.

District of Columbia-"Taxation Without Representation". Ya can't make this stuff up.  What, are they coming clean?  Why not just have it say "Ha Ha Suckers"?

Florida-"Sunshine State". Could not fit "Too Crowded or Hot as Hades Depending on the Time of Year State" I guess.

Idaho-"Famous Potatoes". Obviously Dan Quayle had no hand in this.

Indiana-"Lincoln's Boyhood Home". So...a nice place to leave?

Illinois-"Land of Lincoln". "Indiana's Our Bitch" finished a close second.

Louisiana-"Sportsman's Paradise". Shoot all the looters that you want. Don't worry if you wing a FEMA guy, they have good insurance.

Maine-"Vacationland". Yup, if you are from anywhere north of Bridgeport and your folks are not rich it certainly is.

Missouri-"Show Me State". I really feel I should have a good one for this, nothing though. Guess we have our second readers contest.

Nevada-"The Silver State"-Why would you brag about finishing second?

New Hampshire-"Live Free or Die". Let me know how that works out for you.

North Carolina-"First in Flight". OK, this one really gets me. I know, the Wright Brothers flew there in 1903 making the first controlled flight in history. Problem, they were from Ohio...I think the plate should say "Where Smart People Come to do Stuff".

Ohio-"Birthplace of Aviation". You're damn skippy it is.

Oklahoma-"Native America". They have casinos there?

Pennsylvania-"visitPA.com". Guess your friend moved.

Puerto Rico-"Island of Enchantment". If so how come no one stays there?

Rhode Island-"Ocean State". Shortened from "About to be swallowed by the ocean state"

South Carolina-"In God We Trust". Still hopeful someone smart will do something there.

Tennessee-"The Volunteer State". Have you seen their unemployment rate? They can't get people to do shit for money!

Texas-"The Lone Star State". Does Miley Cyrus still live there?

West Virginia-"Wild, Wonderful". That's just the family reunions.

I will update with contest winners submissions when received.

Who killed the wave?

OK, I am sitting here tonight and am saddened that people have completely forgotten the rules. When we are in traffic and you need to change lanes please turn on your blinker, not swerve in front of me and hit the brakes cuz it's rush hour. I will let you in, I swear to you. I will open up roughly 1 1/2 car lengths so you know it is happening and even flick my lights if your head is up your ass or stuck to your phone. (Are those synonymous?) You have roughly 5 seconds but I then have to move on because too many of you "I still have my turn signal on from my last lane change but am content here now" (with my head up my ass) have burned me. Now after I let you in I have handled my part of OUR transaction. Yours is easier, wave. Put down your coffee, tell your mom to hold on for a sec and just f%&*ing wave. I do not think that this is a lot to ask. This is a true story. I was coming home on 84 east one night and a woman was trying to merge on from the Park Road on ramp so I stopped to let her come over. (At least 5 cars in front of me did not) She reached up and I saw her hand so I started my return wave and she was just adjusting her mirror. I felt like such a sucker. I now wait for confirmation of the wave before I return it.

Now back to you jack pipes that make it unsafe to drive at a safe distance. Cut the shit, just because there is 8 feet between me and the car in front of me does not mean that your Escalade can swing right it. PUT ON YOUR TURN SIGNAL, GIVE ME A CHANCE!!! You're stealing candy from a guy that will gladly give you some. To go off topic briefly...ATTN: Escalade, Navigator, Excursion, Hummer and Suburban drivers. What is with the monster trucks? You have 2 kids and a Shit Sue. (I know that's not how to spell it, I just couldn't help myself) Though I do love the soccer stickers and the Block Island "BI" sticker. (Yes, we have broken your secret code) Since you have a carbon footprint roughly the size of Luxembourg don't ya think the stickers are a bit hypocritical? Your arrogant behavior will ultimately affect your future little MLS stars and their kids as global warming will make Block Island into a sand bar that the oil tankers will have to steer around. ( I hope you're there when it happens)

OK, I'm back. Sorry about that. Here's the deal, for one day let's at least give this a shot. Assholes, use your blinker. Other assholes, let them in. Wave to each other. If you don't who knows? They might wind up renting the cottage next to you on "BI", now wouldn't that be awkward... If you guys can't get behind this I understand, it's obviously a lot to ask. I can't do this without you though so keep in mind that if this keeps up the next time I wave to you I might only use 20% of my fingers.

Obvious Andy Rooney ripoff

Did you ever notice that no one ever looks at their own traffic lights? Everybody tries to see the crossing traffic's light to see when it turns yellow. How else can you punch it and cut off the guy across the road with his left turn signal blinking and the guy to your right even though he knows it goes to one lane in like 30 feet. Did you ever notice that every time you see a RV towing a car the car is a Saturn? (Usually sporting my new favorite bumper sticker "I go where I am towed") My wife pointed this out to me and I have honestly seen it a half dozen times since. Did you ever notice that farts come in threes? (That's actually bullshit, I hit an intellectual lull and needed some filler)

Did you know that cats don't always land on their feet? It depends almost wholy on how hard you throw them. Did you know that every time a bell rings a rich guy gets his dinner? That whole thing about angels getting their wings is hooey. At least I think it is. Apologies to God if I am wrong.

My brother Ryan says he has never meet a Saab owner that he likes. He says it's not like he meets them, sees they drive a Saab and then hates them. He says he meets them, realizes they are (expletive deleted) and then later finds out they drive a Saab. I have tried to prove him wrong twice only to find out later that my cool new Saab driving friends were (expletive deleted) as well. Sorry guys, you know who you are. (Shannon you are exempt from this as you are family and love Dunkin' Donuts) I think BMW drivers get a bad rap as they are not the biggest jack asses (expletive included but watered down) on the road. Don't fret though guys, you are a close second with a photo finish.

Stay tuned as I may say something brilliant at any time. Don't blink...don't blink...Hey, you blinked!

Chain e-mails

Regarding all of the chain e-mails that I, and I am sure you, receive.
Before you send one ever again please factor in the potential
consequences to someone that you might care about. Although if you
cared about them you probably would not have sent one in the first
place. I digress. This might be a true story...

A guy received a chain letter stating that if he forwarded it to 10
people something good would happen to him. It also stated that if he
did not something bad may happen. Even the least superstitious people
give pause when they get one of these so he forwarded it and hoped it
wouldn't piss anybody off. Yeah, right...

Two weeks later he bought 10 PowerBall tickets and put them on his
dresser. He forgot about them until a month later and decided to
check them to see if he had won anything. He started out to the local
corner grocer and brought his tickets in. The clerk ran them through
the computer and to both of their astonishment he had won the whole
freaking thing!!! Oh joy, oh rapture!!!

He gave the clerk $100.00 and thanked him for selling him the winning
ticket and proceeded, nay danced out into the parking lot. He let out
a yell that was heard for blocks and thanked god for the good fortune.
Right about then a truck came by, ran him over and killed him. The
clerk ran out, took the ticket from his dead hand and retired to the
Caribbean.

Ya see, the guy did forward it to 10 people but did not know that one
of his friends switched from Hot Mail to G-Mail and never received it.
The clerk sent it to 11 people...ya know, just in case.

Moral of the story....



STOP SENDING ME THESE F*CK*NG THINGS.

I'm not good enough for Starbucks

My brother made me go to Starbucks on Sunday. It is without exaggeration that I say that I have not been to a Starbucks a dozen times in my life. The reason is simple, they go out of their way to either make me one of them or make me feel unwelcome. I am not an idiot but all I want is a cup of coffee and I feel helpless conveying that to them. Where does their menu say Coffee: Small, Medium, Large? Also, how many "blends" do you need and why the hell do you have to change the names all the time? I thought I had it licked when they had a coffee called "Breakfast Blend", know why? Cuz it tasted like Dunkin' Donuts coffee where I should have been in the first place. That day I also learned that "Grande" meant medium. I am actually grateful for that because now I refer to my "member" as "Grande", quite grande if you ask me. I rolled the dice and went again knowing that breakfast blend was what I wanted and Venti was the size. Problem, no breakfast blend. It's like playing battleship for heavens sake. D1...hit...D2...miss. I am done with it. Now I know how a Spanish person feels when trying to understand or convey English. Wait, scratch that, we actually try to help them instead of just giving them blank, impatient looks like the doinks at Starbucks do. My brother ordered for me which is actually 1950's chivalrous. You know, if I was a chick and he had a chance. One day I actually said "Can I have whatever the closest thing to a regular cup of coffee is?" I still had to answer "room for cream?" The day I go in there and say Venti, half Himalayan, half Corsican blend with room for cream and a dash of Sugar in the Raw is the day I find out Dunkin' Donuts, Green Mountain and everyone else is gone. My dream though is that Starbucks goes away and all of the over serious, look at me I'm writing a novel or a play on my laptop, Saab driving crap heads have to do their thing at McDonald's or Dunkin' D's. Good luck not getting laughed at or your butt kicked.

Greeting Cards

OK, I'm confused. Why are there so many greeting cards? Yesterday was my birthday and don't get me wrong, I was grateful for every card and wish but when I opened my "Happy Birthday Buckaroo, hope it's lots of fun for you" card it got me to thinkin' pardners.

Valentine's Day: No joke at least 50% of the cards from husband to wife say something to the effect of "I know I don't say it enough..." What a comment on our species. I propose a card for guys like me that says "I told you I love you on Tuesday, count your blessings". If you're the don't say it enough dude that card better be pinned to flowers, show tickets or a jewelry box. 50% of the woman's cards call the guy "Tiger" or offer up some kind sex. If 80+% of woman don't reach orgasm during intercourse it appears the tiger numbers are skewed.

Birthday cards for Kids: Who gives the least bit of a flying fart what it says on the card? Unless a $50 or an i-tunes gift card falls out it's going in the heap with the wrapping paper. Kids fake read them so fast I once thought my daughter Micaela was having a seizure. I propose a card that says "Just open me and take your booty you selfish little bastard". Leave it blank on the inside as an added bonus.


Thinking of you cards: Heard of a telephone? Why not call them "avoiding you while trying to stay in the will" cards?


Sympathy cards: Nothing to say, I'm not a complete jerk.


Bat Mitzvah cards: Please refer to kids birthday cards.


Wedding invitations: Cursive writing, calligraphy and lattice work? Come on...how about "Who wants steak, fish or chicken and free booze?" 5 gets you 10 response time is halved.


Wedding thank you cards: Hard to skimp here but I sure would like a "Sorry, we were pretty cocked when we tore through the envelopes. Since your name wasn't on the toaster we assume you gave us money" card. When you open it have it say:

Since I don't know how much you gave us please take the appropriate thanks as listed below.

$25.00-Thanks, you almost covered your meal.

$50.00-Thanks, covered your meal and 1 of your 17 Chopin martinis. Funny, always thought you were a Smirnoff guy.

$100.00-Thank you so much.

Over $100.00-Man, I truly wish I had more friends like you. I love you man.


St. Patrick's Day: See wedding invitation but substitute steak, fish or chicken with corned beef, corned beef or corned beef.


Best Friend Day (Actually exists): "I only bought one of these, I swear"


Earth Day: Unless it's electronic or made of rice paper and you later eat it I don't really think it matters what it says, ya missed the point there killer.


Easter: "We should hang out more than twice a year in church".


Christmas: See Easter


Diwali: "Let's call out Sikh". (You may have to google, can't swear it's worth it)


Administrative Professional Day (Formerly Secretary's Day): "Hey look, you have a new job description! I'm so glad to see that you are finally getting the respect that you deserve. Tell you what, I'm gonna get my own coffee today."


Thanksgiving: "Sorry you didn't merit an invite."


Eid ul-Fitr: "I'm so hungry I could eat my niqāb!!!" When you open it have it say "Of course I'd be the talk of the village so I won't." (Salman Rushdie gave me this one. I don't get it either)


New Year's Day: Doesn't matter what is says, just no cards that make noise and the bolder the text the better.


OK, that's my rant. I hope no one was offended. Even if you are I'm still cool with the Kwanzaa folks, George Washington, honest Abe, Martin Luther King and our veterans. That's enough for me.

Shame on you Proctor and Gamble

So anyway, today I am at work and as some of us must do sometimes needed to blast a certain room with Febreze brand room deodorizer. As I was doing this I got to thinking that I should probably thank the inventor of this product since it is the best invention for folks living/working together in a small environment since the bedroom size mini-fridge. Yeah right, my 12 pack just got up and walked away. I Googled and Googled but to no avail, I can not find the inventor's name. That breaks my heart because he gave us a gift that we cannot repay. A little about Febreze, it is particularly important in our romantic relationships especially in the early stages. I once dated a girl who actually had a friend ask her "It hasn't been a problem having only one bathroom?" She responded in the negative but there was one incident on both sides and she knew it. She accidentally left a feminine product in the toilet but she got the worst of it and I don't think I have to explain why. She actually asked if it was in retaliation…man, I wish I had thought of that. That was not actually the worst situation I have been in though. I was with a girl who grew up with well water. She still thought flushing a toilet pre-shower would either scald and scar you for life or leave you with the water pressure of a leaky fountain pen. For the most part she was good and remembered that we had city water and a 60 gallon water heater but as I recall there were at least monthly relapses. I tried to find nice ways to remind her of the missing step in her morning routine, things like "Wow, have you been eating bran? There were more floaters than sinkers today." but to no avail. I obviously can't talk about my current situation because having 2 women wanting to kill me is plenty. Don't be afraid to call me for some of the stories though. I'll give you the straight poop…easy killer, I know that was lame.

Well as usual I have rambled off topic. Ah, sweet Febreze. I work in an environment with 2 women. Sadly no matter how hard I try to keep my schedule in such a way as to allow myself to conduct business in my own home, inevitably I run into a situation that requires action outside of my domicile. Before Febreze I bet folks risked serious injury trying to stem the tide of, well, you know. We once ran out of Febreze here at work and I actually faked a delivery at the warehouse just to speed over there and use the facilities. Long story short, (yeah, right) shame on you Proctor and Gamble. We know damn well that neither Proctor nor Gamble invented this shit. (Can you believe that is the first time in this blog that the word shit was used?) You guys taking all the credit for Febreze is like GE taking credit for the light bulb or Starbucks taking the credit for overpriced, lousy coffee. My bad, they do deserve credit for that. Anyway, I say to you Proctor and Gamble, do the right thing boys because your success rings a little hollow to me now. If you do not give the proper credit and praise to the poor sap who toiled in the bowels (tee hee) of your labs to bring us this sweet, but not too sweet misty elixir I will rally the nation and we will boycott this product. (That may be the shallowest threat ever)