Greeting Cards

OK, I'm confused. Why are there so many greeting cards? Yesterday was my birthday and don't get me wrong, I was grateful for every card and wish but when I opened my "Happy Birthday Buckaroo, hope it's lots of fun for you" card it got me to thinkin' pardners.

Valentine's Day: No joke at least 50% of the cards from husband to wife say something to the effect of "I know I don't say it enough..." What a comment on our species. I propose a card for guys like me that says "I told you I love you on Tuesday, count your blessings". If you're the don't say it enough dude that card better be pinned to flowers, show tickets or a jewelry box. 50% of the woman's cards call the guy "Tiger" or offer up some kind sex. If 80+% of woman don't reach orgasm during intercourse it appears the tiger numbers are skewed.

Birthday cards for Kids: Who gives the least bit of a flying fart what it says on the card? Unless a $50 or an i-tunes gift card falls out it's going in the heap with the wrapping paper. Kids fake read them so fast I once thought my daughter Micaela was having a seizure. I propose a card that says "Just open me and take your booty you selfish little bastard". Leave it blank on the inside as an added bonus.


Thinking of you cards: Heard of a telephone? Why not call them "avoiding you while trying to stay in the will" cards?


Sympathy cards: Nothing to say, I'm not a complete jerk.


Bat Mitzvah cards: Please refer to kids birthday cards.


Wedding invitations: Cursive writing, calligraphy and lattice work? Come on...how about "Who wants steak, fish or chicken and free booze?" 5 gets you 10 response time is halved.


Wedding thank you cards: Hard to skimp here but I sure would like a "Sorry, we were pretty cocked when we tore through the envelopes. Since your name wasn't on the toaster we assume you gave us money" card. When you open it have it say:

Since I don't know how much you gave us please take the appropriate thanks as listed below.

$25.00-Thanks, you almost covered your meal.

$50.00-Thanks, covered your meal and 1 of your 17 Chopin martinis. Funny, always thought you were a Smirnoff guy.

$100.00-Thank you so much.

Over $100.00-Man, I truly wish I had more friends like you. I love you man.


St. Patrick's Day: See wedding invitation but substitute steak, fish or chicken with corned beef, corned beef or corned beef.


Best Friend Day (Actually exists): "I only bought one of these, I swear"


Earth Day: Unless it's electronic or made of rice paper and you later eat it I don't really think it matters what it says, ya missed the point there killer.


Easter: "We should hang out more than twice a year in church".


Christmas: See Easter


Diwali: "Let's call out Sikh". (You may have to google, can't swear it's worth it)


Administrative Professional Day (Formerly Secretary's Day): "Hey look, you have a new job description! I'm so glad to see that you are finally getting the respect that you deserve. Tell you what, I'm gonna get my own coffee today."


Thanksgiving: "Sorry you didn't merit an invite."


Eid ul-Fitr: "I'm so hungry I could eat my niqāb!!!" When you open it have it say "Of course I'd be the talk of the village so I won't." (Salman Rushdie gave me this one. I don't get it either)


New Year's Day: Doesn't matter what is says, just no cards that make noise and the bolder the text the better.


OK, that's my rant. I hope no one was offended. Even if you are I'm still cool with the Kwanzaa folks, George Washington, honest Abe, Martin Luther King and our veterans. That's enough for me.