Did you ever notice that no one ever looks at their own traffic lights? Everybody tries to see the crossing traffic's light to see when it turns yellow. How else can you punch it and cut off the guy across the road with his left turn signal blinking and the guy to your right even though he knows it goes to one lane in like 30 feet. Did you ever notice that every time you see a RV towing a car the car is a Saturn? (Usually sporting my new favorite bumper sticker "I go where I am towed") My wife pointed this out to me and I have honestly seen it a half dozen times since. Did you ever notice that farts come in threes? (That's actually bullshit, I hit an intellectual lull and needed some filler)
Did you know that cats don't always land on their feet? It depends almost wholy on how hard you throw them. Did you know that every time a bell rings a rich guy gets his dinner? That whole thing about angels getting their wings is hooey. At least I think it is. Apologies to God if I am wrong.
My brother Ryan says he has never meet a Saab owner that he likes. He says it's not like he meets them, sees they drive a Saab and then hates them. He says he meets them, realizes they are (expletive deleted) and then later finds out they drive a Saab. I have tried to prove him wrong twice only to find out later that my cool new Saab driving friends were (expletive deleted) as well. Sorry guys, you know who you are. (Shannon you are exempt from this as you are family and love Dunkin' Donuts) I think BMW drivers get a bad rap as they are not the biggest jack asses (expletive included but watered down) on the road. Don't fret though guys, you are a close second with a photo finish.
Stay tuned as I may say something brilliant at any time. Don't blink...don't blink...Hey, you blinked!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Chain e-mails
Regarding all of the chain e-mails that I, and I am sure you, receive.
Before you send one ever again please factor in the potential
consequences to someone that you might care about. Although if you
cared about them you probably would not have sent one in the first
place. I digress. This might be a true story...
A guy received a chain letter stating that if he forwarded it to 10
people something good would happen to him. It also stated that if he
did not something bad may happen. Even the least superstitious people
give pause when they get one of these so he forwarded it and hoped it
wouldn't piss anybody off. Yeah, right...
Two weeks later he bought 10 PowerBall tickets and put them on his
dresser. He forgot about them until a month later and decided to
check them to see if he had won anything. He started out to the local
corner grocer and brought his tickets in. The clerk ran them through
the computer and to both of their astonishment he had won the whole
freaking thing!!! Oh joy, oh rapture!!!
He gave the clerk $100.00 and thanked him for selling him the winning
ticket and proceeded, nay danced out into the parking lot. He let out
a yell that was heard for blocks and thanked god for the good fortune.
Right about then a truck came by, ran him over and killed him. The
clerk ran out, took the ticket from his dead hand and retired to the
Caribbean.
Ya see, the guy did forward it to 10 people but did not know that one
of his friends switched from Hot Mail to G-Mail and never received it.
The clerk sent it to 11 people...ya know, just in case.
Moral of the story....
STOP SENDING ME THESE F*CK*NG THINGS.
Before you send one ever again please factor in the potential
consequences to someone that you might care about. Although if you
cared about them you probably would not have sent one in the first
place. I digress. This might be a true story...
A guy received a chain letter stating that if he forwarded it to 10
people something good would happen to him. It also stated that if he
did not something bad may happen. Even the least superstitious people
give pause when they get one of these so he forwarded it and hoped it
wouldn't piss anybody off. Yeah, right...
Two weeks later he bought 10 PowerBall tickets and put them on his
dresser. He forgot about them until a month later and decided to
check them to see if he had won anything. He started out to the local
corner grocer and brought his tickets in. The clerk ran them through
the computer and to both of their astonishment he had won the whole
freaking thing!!! Oh joy, oh rapture!!!
He gave the clerk $100.00 and thanked him for selling him the winning
ticket and proceeded, nay danced out into the parking lot. He let out
a yell that was heard for blocks and thanked god for the good fortune.
Right about then a truck came by, ran him over and killed him. The
clerk ran out, took the ticket from his dead hand and retired to the
Caribbean.
Ya see, the guy did forward it to 10 people but did not know that one
of his friends switched from Hot Mail to G-Mail and never received it.
The clerk sent it to 11 people...ya know, just in case.
Moral of the story....
STOP SENDING ME THESE F*CK*NG THINGS.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm not good enough for Starbucks
My brother made me go to Starbucks on Sunday. It is without exaggeration that I say that I have not been to a Starbucks a dozen times in my life. The reason is simple, they go out of their way to either make me one of them or make me feel unwelcome. I am not an idiot but all I want is a cup of coffee and I feel helpless conveying that to them. Where does their menu say Coffee: Small, Medium, Large? Also, how many "blends" do you need and why the hell do you have to change the names all the time? I thought I had it licked when they had a coffee called "Breakfast Blend", know why? Cuz it tasted like Dunkin' Donuts coffee where I should have been in the first place. That day I also learned that "Grande" meant medium. I am actually grateful for that because now I refer to my "member" as "Grande", quite grande if you ask me. I rolled the dice and went again knowing that breakfast blend was what I wanted and Venti was the size. Problem, no breakfast blend. It's like playing battleship for heavens sake. D1...hit...D2...miss. I am done with it. Now I know how a Spanish person feels when trying to understand or convey English. Wait, scratch that, we actually try to help them instead of just giving them blank, impatient looks like the doinks at Starbucks do. My brother ordered for me which is actually 1950's chivalrous. You know, if I was a chick and he had a chance. One day I actually said "Can I have whatever the closest thing to a regular cup of coffee is?" I still had to answer "room for cream?" The day I go in there and say Venti, half Himalayan, half Corsican blend with room for cream and a dash of Sugar in the Raw is the day I find out Dunkin' Donuts, Green Mountain and everyone else is gone. My dream though is that Starbucks goes away and all of the over serious, look at me I'm writing a novel or a play on my laptop, Saab driving crap heads have to do their thing at McDonald's or Dunkin' D's. Good luck not getting laughed at or your butt kicked.
Greeting Cards
OK, I'm confused. Why are there so many greeting cards? Yesterday was my birthday and don't get me wrong, I was grateful for every card and wish but when I opened my "Happy Birthday Buckaroo, hope it's lots of fun for you" card it got me to thinkin' pardners.
Valentine's Day: No joke at least 50% of the cards from husband to wife say something to the effect of "I know I don't say it enough..." What a comment on our species. I propose a card for guys like me that says "I told you I love you on Tuesday, count your blessings". If you're the don't say it enough dude that card better be pinned to flowers, show tickets or a jewelry box. 50% of the woman's cards call the guy "Tiger" or offer up some kind sex. If 80+% of woman don't reach orgasm during intercourse it appears the tiger numbers are skewed.
Birthday cards for Kids: Who gives the least bit of a flying fart what it says on the card? Unless a $50 or an i-tunes gift card falls out it's going in the heap with the wrapping paper. Kids fake read them so fast I once thought my daughter Micaela was having a seizure. I propose a card that says "Just open me and take your booty you selfish little bastard". Leave it blank on the inside as an added bonus.
Thinking of you cards: Heard of a telephone? Why not call them "avoiding you while trying to stay in the will" cards?
Sympathy cards: Nothing to say, I'm not a complete jerk.
Bat Mitzvah cards: Please refer to kids birthday cards.
Wedding invitations: Cursive writing, calligraphy and lattice work? Come on...how about "Who wants steak, fish or chicken and free booze?" 5 gets you 10 response time is halved.
Wedding thank you cards: Hard to skimp here but I sure would like a "Sorry, we were pretty cocked when we tore through the envelopes. Since your name wasn't on the toaster we assume you gave us money" card. When you open it have it say:
Since I don't know how much you gave us please take the appropriate thanks as listed below.
$25.00-Thanks, you almost covered your meal.
$50.00-Thanks, covered your meal and 1 of your 17 Chopin martinis. Funny, always thought you were a Smirnoff guy.
$100.00-Thank you so much.
Over $100.00-Man, I truly wish I had more friends like you. I love you man.
St. Patrick's Day: See wedding invitation but substitute steak, fish or chicken with corned beef, corned beef or corned beef.
Best Friend Day (Actually exists): "I only bought one of these, I swear"
Earth Day: Unless it's electronic or made of rice paper and you later eat it I don't really think it matters what it says, ya missed the point there killer.
Easter: "We should hang out more than twice a year in church".
Christmas: See Easter
Diwali: "Let's call out Sikh". (You may have to google, can't swear it's worth it)
Administrative Professional Day (Formerly Secretary's Day): "Hey look, you have a new job description! I'm so glad to see that you are finally getting the respect that you deserve. Tell you what, I'm gonna get my own coffee today."
Thanksgiving: "Sorry you didn't merit an invite."
Eid ul-Fitr: "I'm so hungry I could eat my niqāb!!!" When you open it have it say "Of course I'd be the talk of the village so I won't." (Salman Rushdie gave me this one. I don't get it either)
New Year's Day: Doesn't matter what is says, just no cards that make noise and the bolder the text the better.
OK, that's my rant. I hope no one was offended. Even if you are I'm still cool with the Kwanzaa folks, George Washington, honest Abe, Martin Luther King and our veterans. That's enough for me.
Valentine's Day: No joke at least 50% of the cards from husband to wife say something to the effect of "I know I don't say it enough..." What a comment on our species. I propose a card for guys like me that says "I told you I love you on Tuesday, count your blessings". If you're the don't say it enough dude that card better be pinned to flowers, show tickets or a jewelry box. 50% of the woman's cards call the guy "Tiger" or offer up some kind sex. If 80+% of woman don't reach orgasm during intercourse it appears the tiger numbers are skewed.
Birthday cards for Kids: Who gives the least bit of a flying fart what it says on the card? Unless a $50 or an i-tunes gift card falls out it's going in the heap with the wrapping paper. Kids fake read them so fast I once thought my daughter Micaela was having a seizure. I propose a card that says "Just open me and take your booty you selfish little bastard". Leave it blank on the inside as an added bonus.
Thinking of you cards: Heard of a telephone? Why not call them "avoiding you while trying to stay in the will" cards?
Sympathy cards: Nothing to say, I'm not a complete jerk.
Bat Mitzvah cards: Please refer to kids birthday cards.
Wedding invitations: Cursive writing, calligraphy and lattice work? Come on...how about "Who wants steak, fish or chicken and free booze?" 5 gets you 10 response time is halved.
Wedding thank you cards: Hard to skimp here but I sure would like a "Sorry, we were pretty cocked when we tore through the envelopes. Since your name wasn't on the toaster we assume you gave us money" card. When you open it have it say:
Since I don't know how much you gave us please take the appropriate thanks as listed below.
$25.00-Thanks, you almost covered your meal.
$50.00-Thanks, covered your meal and 1 of your 17 Chopin martinis. Funny, always thought you were a Smirnoff guy.
$100.00-Thank you so much.
Over $100.00-Man, I truly wish I had more friends like you. I love you man.
St. Patrick's Day: See wedding invitation but substitute steak, fish or chicken with corned beef, corned beef or corned beef.
Best Friend Day (Actually exists): "I only bought one of these, I swear"
Earth Day: Unless it's electronic or made of rice paper and you later eat it I don't really think it matters what it says, ya missed the point there killer.
Easter: "We should hang out more than twice a year in church".
Christmas: See Easter
Diwali: "Let's call out Sikh". (You may have to google, can't swear it's worth it)
Administrative Professional Day (Formerly Secretary's Day): "Hey look, you have a new job description! I'm so glad to see that you are finally getting the respect that you deserve. Tell you what, I'm gonna get my own coffee today."
Thanksgiving: "Sorry you didn't merit an invite."
Eid ul-Fitr: "I'm so hungry I could eat my niqāb!!!" When you open it have it say "Of course I'd be the talk of the village so I won't." (Salman Rushdie gave me this one. I don't get it either)
New Year's Day: Doesn't matter what is says, just no cards that make noise and the bolder the text the better.
OK, that's my rant. I hope no one was offended. Even if you are I'm still cool with the Kwanzaa folks, George Washington, honest Abe, Martin Luther King and our veterans. That's enough for me.
Shame on you Proctor and Gamble
So anyway, today I am at work and as some of us must do sometimes needed to blast a certain room with Febreze brand room deodorizer. As I was doing this I got to thinking that I should probably thank the inventor of this product since it is the best invention for folks living/working together in a small environment since the bedroom size mini-fridge. Yeah right, my 12 pack just got up and walked away. I Googled and Googled but to no avail, I can not find the inventor's name. That breaks my heart because he gave us a gift that we cannot repay. A little about Febreze, it is particularly important in our romantic relationships especially in the early stages. I once dated a girl who actually had a friend ask her "It hasn't been a problem having only one bathroom?" She responded in the negative but there was one incident on both sides and she knew it. She accidentally left a feminine product in the toilet but she got the worst of it and I don't think I have to explain why. She actually asked if it was in retaliation…man, I wish I had thought of that. That was not actually the worst situation I have been in though. I was with a girl who grew up with well water. She still thought flushing a toilet pre-shower would either scald and scar you for life or leave you with the water pressure of a leaky fountain pen. For the most part she was good and remembered that we had city water and a 60 gallon water heater but as I recall there were at least monthly relapses. I tried to find nice ways to remind her of the missing step in her morning routine, things like "Wow, have you been eating bran? There were more floaters than sinkers today." but to no avail. I obviously can't talk about my current situation because having 2 women wanting to kill me is plenty. Don't be afraid to call me for some of the stories though. I'll give you the straight poop…easy killer, I know that was lame.
Well as usual I have rambled off topic. Ah, sweet Febreze. I work in an environment with 2 women. Sadly no matter how hard I try to keep my schedule in such a way as to allow myself to conduct business in my own home, inevitably I run into a situation that requires action outside of my domicile. Before Febreze I bet folks risked serious injury trying to stem the tide of, well, you know. We once ran out of Febreze here at work and I actually faked a delivery at the warehouse just to speed over there and use the facilities. Long story short, (yeah, right) shame on you Proctor and Gamble. We know damn well that neither Proctor nor Gamble invented this shit. (Can you believe that is the first time in this blog that the word shit was used?) You guys taking all the credit for Febreze is like GE taking credit for the light bulb or Starbucks taking the credit for overpriced, lousy coffee. My bad, they do deserve credit for that. Anyway, I say to you Proctor and Gamble, do the right thing boys because your success rings a little hollow to me now. If you do not give the proper credit and praise to the poor sap who toiled in the bowels (tee hee) of your labs to bring us this sweet, but not too sweet misty elixir I will rally the nation and we will boycott this product. (That may be the shallowest threat ever)
Well as usual I have rambled off topic. Ah, sweet Febreze. I work in an environment with 2 women. Sadly no matter how hard I try to keep my schedule in such a way as to allow myself to conduct business in my own home, inevitably I run into a situation that requires action outside of my domicile. Before Febreze I bet folks risked serious injury trying to stem the tide of, well, you know. We once ran out of Febreze here at work and I actually faked a delivery at the warehouse just to speed over there and use the facilities. Long story short, (yeah, right) shame on you Proctor and Gamble. We know damn well that neither Proctor nor Gamble invented this shit. (Can you believe that is the first time in this blog that the word shit was used?) You guys taking all the credit for Febreze is like GE taking credit for the light bulb or Starbucks taking the credit for overpriced, lousy coffee. My bad, they do deserve credit for that. Anyway, I say to you Proctor and Gamble, do the right thing boys because your success rings a little hollow to me now. If you do not give the proper credit and praise to the poor sap who toiled in the bowels (tee hee) of your labs to bring us this sweet, but not too sweet misty elixir I will rally the nation and we will boycott this product. (That may be the shallowest threat ever)
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