Moving Day After

So I helped my buddy Billy move last Friday.  It was not a lot of stuff and I was certainly happy to do it.  It was a tich (I maintain that is a word despite Merriam Webster's objection) hot though, as in 96 and humid as hell.   The move took about three hours and when I got home I laid down for a bit.  I felt fine that night but Saturday morning I woke up and no joke could not even move my arms.  I'm not kidding, it was scary.  I called out to Heather and she came in, saw me and said it was off to the walk in center.  I assumed that it was the heat and the fact that I ate 3 Pringles the day before so I asked her to get me some Gatorade and an egg to see where that got us.  It helped, around an hour later I felt much better, not great but better.  We had to go to a birthday party so I had to jump in the shower.  Heather had taken my blood pressure which is usually 140 over 80, today it was 110 over 56 which apparently is not good.  She took it before I got in the shower and it was better.  Ever the care giver and worry wart she asked me not to lock the bathroom door in case something were to happen to me while showering.  I am not a very nice guy and will certainly be a prick for a laugh so halfway through my shower I dropped the shampoo bottle, slammed my foot on the shower floor and waited...I heard her thundering towards the bathroom, she threw open the door and said "John! JOHN!! Are you OK?!?".  I tapped my watch and said "Eight seconds, not bad but I think you can do better."  I suck.

Uncle Slappy's Dating Tips Part 1-The Pickup Line

OK, a lot of folks ask me how I managed to zoom a chick 10 years my junior so I thought it was time to impart some of my knowledge of the ladies on you guys.  Lesson 1 is the bar pick up.  The bar pick up is a funny thing because you will tend to do better with the ladies the later it gets in the evening.  You have a couple of choices here, either start showing up after 11:00 PM or get some good lines for yourself.  The upside of showing up after 11 is that you will not have to buy most of the drinks that made you better looking and more articulate.  The downside is the pickings can be a bit slim since the guys that are actually good looking and articulate have long since left with their new girlfriends.  So let's make a good come on line plan A, shall we?

The pick-up line...I can not stress how important originality is here.  Even Matt Damon can not get away with "I know milk does a body good but damn baby, how much have you been drinking?"  Now I have seen bad lines work and good lines fail so these are just some ideas here.  A guy I know went into a bar in South Carolina and said to a small group of ladies "Want to go back to my place, have sex and smoke cigarettes?" finishing with the inevitable "What's the matter, you don't smoke?".  Bad part-this line is old and crass.  Good part-it worked.  Actually it worked to a degree.  I am not the kind of guy that talks about another guys "conquests" (actually the guy that pulled it off put the "con" in conquest)  but if Roy Tanner or John Tallis want to chime in here feel free guys.  Another guy I know went into a bar and said to a girl "Can I borrow a quarter?  I promised my mom I would call her when I fell in love."  Good part-this line is cute and unoffensive.  Bad part-this girl was 23 and had no idea what a pay phone was.  Now some would call this a failure and move on but my friend chose to learn from his mistakes.  The next time he went into a bar he went up to a girl and said "Do you have unlimited text?" (They always do) When she answered in the affirmative he said "Can I borrow your phone?  I promised my mom I'd text her when I fell in love."  Boom!  Dance floor baby!!!  Of course he blew the deal while dancing...did "the point"...will we ever learn?  Below are some other lines that have worked but remember, there are no guarantees.


Dip the tip of your finger in your drink and flick a drop of it at a girl then say "Want to go back to my place and get out of these wet things?"  This is a do or die one depending on the girls sense of humor and whether or not her shirt is silk.

Say "F__k me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Penelope?"  On the off chance that her name actually is Penelope at least you have broken the ice.

"I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"

"Your beauty blinded me, so I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes."

" I’m sorry to stare. It’s just that you look exactly like my next girlfriend."

Walk up to her and say "POOF!" (She will say, “Excuse me” or some other type of perplexed exclamation.) Reply "Here I am. What are your other two wishes going to be?"

"I don’t like playing games and I hate pick up lines, so I’m just going to ask. Do you like sex?"

"I’m going to my car to make out. Would you like to join me?"


So guys, pick your favorite or come up with your own.  Stay tuned for part II of this series, "Keeping her interested after she's sobered up"  Until then...

Lie-cense plates

Living here in Florida with all the snowbirds you get to see more license plates than a Folsom Inmate. I never really gave much thought to what they said before I moved here. Coming from the "Constitution State" sort of numbs you to looking for something clever being printed on one. Here are a few of my favorite state plates and what they say. These are all actual plates.

Alabama-"Sweet Home". Seems kind of easy to make fun of so this is my first readers contest. The funniest one that is submitted will be published and taken credit for by me.

Alaska-"Celebrating Statehood 1959-2009" Woo Hoo! It's freezing and there is nothing to do, they celebrate when Palin bags a deer for Pete's sake.

Arkansas-"The Natural State". Probably so named for Bill Clinton's aversion to silicone or Hillary's to makeup.

Delaware-"The First State". It's nice to be good at something.

District of Columbia-"Taxation Without Representation". Ya can't make this stuff up.  What, are they coming clean?  Why not just have it say "Ha Ha Suckers"?

Florida-"Sunshine State". Could not fit "Too Crowded or Hot as Hades Depending on the Time of Year State" I guess.

Idaho-"Famous Potatoes". Obviously Dan Quayle had no hand in this.

Indiana-"Lincoln's Boyhood Home". So...a nice place to leave?

Illinois-"Land of Lincoln". "Indiana's Our Bitch" finished a close second.

Louisiana-"Sportsman's Paradise". Shoot all the looters that you want. Don't worry if you wing a FEMA guy, they have good insurance.

Maine-"Vacationland". Yup, if you are from anywhere north of Bridgeport and your folks are not rich it certainly is.

Missouri-"Show Me State". I really feel I should have a good one for this, nothing though. Guess we have our second readers contest.

Nevada-"The Silver State"-Why would you brag about finishing second?

New Hampshire-"Live Free or Die". Let me know how that works out for you.

North Carolina-"First in Flight". OK, this one really gets me. I know, the Wright Brothers flew there in 1903 making the first controlled flight in history. Problem, they were from Ohio...I think the plate should say "Where Smart People Come to do Stuff".

Ohio-"Birthplace of Aviation". You're damn skippy it is.

Oklahoma-"Native America". They have casinos there?

Pennsylvania-"visitPA.com". Guess your friend moved.

Puerto Rico-"Island of Enchantment". If so how come no one stays there?

Rhode Island-"Ocean State". Shortened from "About to be swallowed by the ocean state"

South Carolina-"In God We Trust". Still hopeful someone smart will do something there.

Tennessee-"The Volunteer State". Have you seen their unemployment rate? They can't get people to do shit for money!

Texas-"The Lone Star State". Does Miley Cyrus still live there?

West Virginia-"Wild, Wonderful". That's just the family reunions.

I will update with contest winners submissions when received.

Who killed the wave?

OK, I am sitting here tonight and am saddened that people have completely forgotten the rules. When we are in traffic and you need to change lanes please turn on your blinker, not swerve in front of me and hit the brakes cuz it's rush hour. I will let you in, I swear to you. I will open up roughly 1 1/2 car lengths so you know it is happening and even flick my lights if your head is up your ass or stuck to your phone. (Are those synonymous?) You have roughly 5 seconds but I then have to move on because too many of you "I still have my turn signal on from my last lane change but am content here now" (with my head up my ass) have burned me. Now after I let you in I have handled my part of OUR transaction. Yours is easier, wave. Put down your coffee, tell your mom to hold on for a sec and just f%&*ing wave. I do not think that this is a lot to ask. This is a true story. I was coming home on 84 east one night and a woman was trying to merge on from the Park Road on ramp so I stopped to let her come over. (At least 5 cars in front of me did not) She reached up and I saw her hand so I started my return wave and she was just adjusting her mirror. I felt like such a sucker. I now wait for confirmation of the wave before I return it.

Now back to you jack pipes that make it unsafe to drive at a safe distance. Cut the shit, just because there is 8 feet between me and the car in front of me does not mean that your Escalade can swing right it. PUT ON YOUR TURN SIGNAL, GIVE ME A CHANCE!!! You're stealing candy from a guy that will gladly give you some. To go off topic briefly...ATTN: Escalade, Navigator, Excursion, Hummer and Suburban drivers. What is with the monster trucks? You have 2 kids and a Shit Sue. (I know that's not how to spell it, I just couldn't help myself) Though I do love the soccer stickers and the Block Island "BI" sticker. (Yes, we have broken your secret code) Since you have a carbon footprint roughly the size of Luxembourg don't ya think the stickers are a bit hypocritical? Your arrogant behavior will ultimately affect your future little MLS stars and their kids as global warming will make Block Island into a sand bar that the oil tankers will have to steer around. ( I hope you're there when it happens)

OK, I'm back. Sorry about that. Here's the deal, for one day let's at least give this a shot. Assholes, use your blinker. Other assholes, let them in. Wave to each other. If you don't who knows? They might wind up renting the cottage next to you on "BI", now wouldn't that be awkward... If you guys can't get behind this I understand, it's obviously a lot to ask. I can't do this without you though so keep in mind that if this keeps up the next time I wave to you I might only use 20% of my fingers.

Obvious Andy Rooney ripoff

Did you ever notice that no one ever looks at their own traffic lights? Everybody tries to see the crossing traffic's light to see when it turns yellow. How else can you punch it and cut off the guy across the road with his left turn signal blinking and the guy to your right even though he knows it goes to one lane in like 30 feet. Did you ever notice that every time you see a RV towing a car the car is a Saturn? (Usually sporting my new favorite bumper sticker "I go where I am towed") My wife pointed this out to me and I have honestly seen it a half dozen times since. Did you ever notice that farts come in threes? (That's actually bullshit, I hit an intellectual lull and needed some filler)

Did you know that cats don't always land on their feet? It depends almost wholy on how hard you throw them. Did you know that every time a bell rings a rich guy gets his dinner? That whole thing about angels getting their wings is hooey. At least I think it is. Apologies to God if I am wrong.

My brother Ryan says he has never meet a Saab owner that he likes. He says it's not like he meets them, sees they drive a Saab and then hates them. He says he meets them, realizes they are (expletive deleted) and then later finds out they drive a Saab. I have tried to prove him wrong twice only to find out later that my cool new Saab driving friends were (expletive deleted) as well. Sorry guys, you know who you are. (Shannon you are exempt from this as you are family and love Dunkin' Donuts) I think BMW drivers get a bad rap as they are not the biggest jack asses (expletive included but watered down) on the road. Don't fret though guys, you are a close second with a photo finish.

Stay tuned as I may say something brilliant at any time. Don't blink...don't blink...Hey, you blinked!

Chain e-mails

Regarding all of the chain e-mails that I, and I am sure you, receive.
Before you send one ever again please factor in the potential
consequences to someone that you might care about. Although if you
cared about them you probably would not have sent one in the first
place. I digress. This might be a true story...

A guy received a chain letter stating that if he forwarded it to 10
people something good would happen to him. It also stated that if he
did not something bad may happen. Even the least superstitious people
give pause when they get one of these so he forwarded it and hoped it
wouldn't piss anybody off. Yeah, right...

Two weeks later he bought 10 PowerBall tickets and put them on his
dresser. He forgot about them until a month later and decided to
check them to see if he had won anything. He started out to the local
corner grocer and brought his tickets in. The clerk ran them through
the computer and to both of their astonishment he had won the whole
freaking thing!!! Oh joy, oh rapture!!!

He gave the clerk $100.00 and thanked him for selling him the winning
ticket and proceeded, nay danced out into the parking lot. He let out
a yell that was heard for blocks and thanked god for the good fortune.
Right about then a truck came by, ran him over and killed him. The
clerk ran out, took the ticket from his dead hand and retired to the
Caribbean.

Ya see, the guy did forward it to 10 people but did not know that one
of his friends switched from Hot Mail to G-Mail and never received it.
The clerk sent it to 11 people...ya know, just in case.

Moral of the story....



STOP SENDING ME THESE F*CK*NG THINGS.

I'm not good enough for Starbucks

My brother made me go to Starbucks on Sunday. It is without exaggeration that I say that I have not been to a Starbucks a dozen times in my life. The reason is simple, they go out of their way to either make me one of them or make me feel unwelcome. I am not an idiot but all I want is a cup of coffee and I feel helpless conveying that to them. Where does their menu say Coffee: Small, Medium, Large? Also, how many "blends" do you need and why the hell do you have to change the names all the time? I thought I had it licked when they had a coffee called "Breakfast Blend", know why? Cuz it tasted like Dunkin' Donuts coffee where I should have been in the first place. That day I also learned that "Grande" meant medium. I am actually grateful for that because now I refer to my "member" as "Grande", quite grande if you ask me. I rolled the dice and went again knowing that breakfast blend was what I wanted and Venti was the size. Problem, no breakfast blend. It's like playing battleship for heavens sake. D1...hit...D2...miss. I am done with it. Now I know how a Spanish person feels when trying to understand or convey English. Wait, scratch that, we actually try to help them instead of just giving them blank, impatient looks like the doinks at Starbucks do. My brother ordered for me which is actually 1950's chivalrous. You know, if I was a chick and he had a chance. One day I actually said "Can I have whatever the closest thing to a regular cup of coffee is?" I still had to answer "room for cream?" The day I go in there and say Venti, half Himalayan, half Corsican blend with room for cream and a dash of Sugar in the Raw is the day I find out Dunkin' Donuts, Green Mountain and everyone else is gone. My dream though is that Starbucks goes away and all of the over serious, look at me I'm writing a novel or a play on my laptop, Saab driving crap heads have to do their thing at McDonald's or Dunkin' D's. Good luck not getting laughed at or your butt kicked.