Moving Day After

So I helped my buddy Billy move last Friday.  It was not a lot of stuff and I was certainly happy to do it.  It was a tich (I maintain that is a word despite Merriam Webster's objection) hot though, as in 96 and humid as hell.   The move took about three hours and when I got home I laid down for a bit.  I felt fine that night but Saturday morning I woke up and no joke could not even move my arms.  I'm not kidding, it was scary.  I called out to Heather and she came in, saw me and said it was off to the walk in center.  I assumed that it was the heat and the fact that I ate 3 Pringles the day before so I asked her to get me some Gatorade and an egg to see where that got us.  It helped, around an hour later I felt much better, not great but better.  We had to go to a birthday party so I had to jump in the shower.  Heather had taken my blood pressure which is usually 140 over 80, today it was 110 over 56 which apparently is not good.  She took it before I got in the shower and it was better.  Ever the care giver and worry wart she asked me not to lock the bathroom door in case something were to happen to me while showering.  I am not a very nice guy and will certainly be a prick for a laugh so halfway through my shower I dropped the shampoo bottle, slammed my foot on the shower floor and waited...I heard her thundering towards the bathroom, she threw open the door and said "John! JOHN!! Are you OK?!?".  I tapped my watch and said "Eight seconds, not bad but I think you can do better."  I suck.

Uncle Slappy's Dating Tips Part 1-The Pickup Line

OK, a lot of folks ask me how I managed to zoom a chick 10 years my junior so I thought it was time to impart some of my knowledge of the ladies on you guys.  Lesson 1 is the bar pick up.  The bar pick up is a funny thing because you will tend to do better with the ladies the later it gets in the evening.  You have a couple of choices here, either start showing up after 11:00 PM or get some good lines for yourself.  The upside of showing up after 11 is that you will not have to buy most of the drinks that made you better looking and more articulate.  The downside is the pickings can be a bit slim since the guys that are actually good looking and articulate have long since left with their new girlfriends.  So let's make a good come on line plan A, shall we?

The pick-up line...I can not stress how important originality is here.  Even Matt Damon can not get away with "I know milk does a body good but damn baby, how much have you been drinking?"  Now I have seen bad lines work and good lines fail so these are just some ideas here.  A guy I know went into a bar in South Carolina and said to a small group of ladies "Want to go back to my place, have sex and smoke cigarettes?" finishing with the inevitable "What's the matter, you don't smoke?".  Bad part-this line is old and crass.  Good part-it worked.  Actually it worked to a degree.  I am not the kind of guy that talks about another guys "conquests" (actually the guy that pulled it off put the "con" in conquest)  but if Roy Tanner or John Tallis want to chime in here feel free guys.  Another guy I know went into a bar and said to a girl "Can I borrow a quarter?  I promised my mom I would call her when I fell in love."  Good part-this line is cute and unoffensive.  Bad part-this girl was 23 and had no idea what a pay phone was.  Now some would call this a failure and move on but my friend chose to learn from his mistakes.  The next time he went into a bar he went up to a girl and said "Do you have unlimited text?" (They always do) When she answered in the affirmative he said "Can I borrow your phone?  I promised my mom I'd text her when I fell in love."  Boom!  Dance floor baby!!!  Of course he blew the deal while dancing...did "the point"...will we ever learn?  Below are some other lines that have worked but remember, there are no guarantees.


Dip the tip of your finger in your drink and flick a drop of it at a girl then say "Want to go back to my place and get out of these wet things?"  This is a do or die one depending on the girls sense of humor and whether or not her shirt is silk.

Say "F__k me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Penelope?"  On the off chance that her name actually is Penelope at least you have broken the ice.

"I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"

"Your beauty blinded me, so I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes."

" I’m sorry to stare. It’s just that you look exactly like my next girlfriend."

Walk up to her and say "POOF!" (She will say, “Excuse me” or some other type of perplexed exclamation.) Reply "Here I am. What are your other two wishes going to be?"

"I don’t like playing games and I hate pick up lines, so I’m just going to ask. Do you like sex?"

"I’m going to my car to make out. Would you like to join me?"


So guys, pick your favorite or come up with your own.  Stay tuned for part II of this series, "Keeping her interested after she's sobered up"  Until then...